That Hoarder
“I’m That Hoarder, which funnily enough isn’t what my parents christened me. I live in the UK, I have an anonymous podcast about hoarding disorder, and I started listening to podcasts in 2008.”
Why have you chosen to be anonymous? Have you ever considered going public with your name? That might be a great PR strategy when you hit 1M listens. Congratulations on passing 250K, by the way!
I chose to be anonymous because it was the only way any of this felt possible. I have this weird mental health problem that is incredibly stigmatised, so much so that few people in my real life know I have it and I didn’t even tell therapists for years about it. So the only way I could talk openly about it on the podcast was to do so anonymously.
I’d never say never, but I really can’t imagine going public with my name. If nothing else, few people in my real life know I hoard, and so nobody knows about the podcast. So I’m currently having this very odd experience where I reached a quarter of a million downloads through sheer hard work and persistence, and can’t even tell my besties.
So maybe, rather than tell podcast listeners who I am, I need to start by telling those who love me about the podcast?
Describe the show in 10 words or less.
First ever podcast from the perspective of someone who hoards.
Where should people start listening if they haven’t already?
Definitely don’t start with the first 15 or so episodes!
I’d say if someone has an issue they’re particularly worried about, like perfectionism (episodes 29 or 129), or cleaning up in an emergency (episodes 52 or 123), or ADHD and hoarding (episodes 40, 107 or 149), then start with the episodes dedicated to those topics. If not, start with the “Where to start” episode (71).
Why are you making it? For yourself, to help hoarders, or to help people better understand hoarding? All three?
Yes, yes, and yes. I started it for two reasons. One was that I really wanted to listen to a podcast by a person who hoards, and that didn’t exist. So I created it. The other reason was that I had nowhere to talk about hoarding, nobody I could talk to about it, so I started talking into my phone, never really expecting anybody would listen.
These days, I find the podcast helpful for keeping me accountable and so I continue learning about the topic, and I get to interview specialists I’d never have access to otherwise. But knowing how much it helps other people is a big driver now. A lot of people say they’ve never heard anyone talk about hoarding like I do, and so many say they are trainee social workers or occupational therapists or mental health nurses and they’re learning far more from me than they are from their course!
But when people tell me the podcast is helping to destigmatise the condition, that’s perhaps when I feel proudest, because I’m personally so paralysed by the stigma associated with it.
I really want people to understand that this isn’t a podcast just for hoarders. I learn so much about hoarding, what people get right and wrong about it. This isn’t a question, I just want to say that.
Thank you so much <3
This is another not-question. I wanted to thank you for constantly supporting me during my year of tweeting daily Apple Podcasts rating and reviews. NOBODY WAS THERE FOR ME LIKE YOU WERE!!! Are you a cheerleader for a lot of people in your life?
Mate, I couldn’t let you flounder on your own with such a relentless task!!
I try to be a cheerleader for the people in my life. Whether it’s colleagues, friends, or anyone who needs a bit of a boost, I do try to be really expressive about how brilliant and capable and lovely people are. This is a really cruel world at times – we need people who remind us we’re fab.
What DO people misunderstand about hoarding?
People tend to think it’s a form of extreme laziness, or someone not caring about their surroundings. The TV shows do not help with this characterisation, and tend to contribute to people believing it’s essentially something ridiculous.
What hoarding actually is, I’ve come to understand, is a confused and maladaptive way of making yourself feel safer, or better, or less lonely, or less frightened, that gets out of control and difficult to manage. The vast majority of hoarders have a history of trauma and / or grief, and this, somehow, became our way of dealing with it.
It might not sound logical, but few mental health problems manifest in a really logical way.
Can you talk about your own experience as a hoarder? How does it impact your life? Does it impact your life as an audio maker?
I went from being a messy child to a young adult who had a period of poverty that meant I had no income for about six months, then very low income for another year or so after that. I was in a position where, if something broke, or if I ran out of something, or if I got rid of something, there was absolutely no way to replace it.
Not throwing things away “just in case” kind of made sense in those circumstances, but even when my financial situation improved, that sense that I had to hold onto everything “just in case” did not. The poverty had melded with various traumas to somehow convince me that safety meant being surrounded by stuff.
I’m now a middle-aged adult trying to reverse some of that messaging and change things. It’s really hard! It impacts my life in a whole range of ways. I can’t have friends over, I lose and break things all the time, and my home is not a pleasant or relaxing place to live.
It doesn’t massively impact my life as an audio maker, except for two things. One is I have to be really careful not to lose my microphone and headphones. The other is that I laugh quietly when other podcasters talk about having to put padding on their walls because empty spaces can cause echoes: that is not a problem I’ve ever had!
How has the show changed since it started?
I hope it’s better. When I started, I talked into my phone and assumed nobody would listen. Sound quality was awful and they were a lot more rambly.
These days, I record with proper gear (basic, but decent enough) and I’ve got pretty nifty with Audacity and other tools. I also have more of a structure to the episodes, and I interview guests, which I didn’t do at the start.
How have you changed since it started?
I have a much, much better understanding of hoarding disorder. At the start, I was overwhelmed with the knowledge that I had this problem but no idea what it meant or what to do about it. These days, I understand it – both theoretically and in relation to my own experiences – so much better.
Also, through talking about hoarding week after week after week, 150 times, I now find it easier to find the language for what I’m thinking and feeling, and I learn new techniques and approaches that might help.
Listeners sometimes say to me that they started listening at episode 1 and hear me change over time; from the start, where I sounded completely defeated, to now, where I apparently don’t! There’s no question that making the podcast has been healing for me, to some degree.
Any good listener engagements you’ve had?
The vast majority of the listener engagements I’ve had have been very supportive. It never ceases to shock me that I’m helping and inspiring people, and hearing “It’s like you’re in my brain!” is very validating that it’s not just me with this problem.
What are you most proud of, when it comes to the show?
That it’s still going, I think. I love the podcast, but it’s hard, it’s expensive, and it’s very time consuming, so it would have been really easy to quit so many times.
So I’m proud that an episode comes out every single Friday, rain or shine, and has done for several years now.
What is your goal for the show?
I’m not a “gigantic future goal” kind of person who knows precisely how they want things to be in five years’ time. I find that intimidating! So my goal is to keep plugging away at the podcast, to keep reaching people who listen to me and hear someone who thinks like they do for the first time, to keep explaining and destigmatising hoarding disorder, and to keep working hard to improve my own situation.
Though if i could make the podcast completely pay for itself, that would be marvellous - and would ease some pressure for me!
What’s a podcast you like that everyone knows about?
Maintenance Phase. It’s clever, it’s funny, it’s informative, and Aubrey is a god.
What’s a podcast you like that not enough people know about?
We Are History with Angela Barnes and John O’Farrell. Special mentions to Memory Lane with Kerry Godliman and Jen Brister; Like Minded Friends with Tom Allen & Suzi Ruffell; and My Mate Bought a Toaster.
If you could start another podcast, don’t worry about the logistics or whether or not anyone would listen to it. What would it be? Your budget is $1M.
It would be called “Just me interviewing all the famous women I’ve ever fancied because I now have the means”, I think. The first guest would be Jodie Foster, because I’m a lesbian cliché.
What do you wish I had asked you but I didn’t?
I wish you had asked about the challenges of podcasting anonymously. While the positives are very positive – I can talk freely in a way I know I wouldn’t if my name was public – the negatives can be tricky. I can’t promote the podcast on my personal social media, I can’t celebrate the highs with someone or commiserate with them if I get a shitty review, and I can’t attend events, which gets frustrating when there’s something that would be really relevant to the podcast where I could plug it!
I don’t want to end on a negative, though. There are times I feel under pressure to get an episode out and it feels overwhelming and I feel unappreciated and I wonder why I do it. But mostly, creating this podcast has been so helpful to me. I’ve interviewed some incredible people, I’ve heard from some incredible listeners, and I’ve gained a much better understanding of this weird disorder - I’ve never read so many research papers! I can – and do – laugh at myself, and that keeps me going.
Thanks!